Funeral

So I went to a funeral yesterday were there might have been 10 people that were really sad that this man was gone. I was not one of then, having only met him twice and been kinda creped out. You may ask me why I went. I went because I love his brother, he is my father-in-law and he would do anything for me and I for him. And it made me sad to know and there would not be that may people there. This will not be the case for my father-in-law. I wonder what happened in his brother's life to make him someone who was unliked and someone few with miss. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is hard for me to rap my head around such a thing.

out of the gutter

OK so I have pick my self out of the gutter again. Things are not 100 present but what is. I have found a new hobby backpacking. I have not actually gone yet but I like to ware my pack around the house and I just when to my first class today. It ran over an hour and I learned more in those 4 hours than I have in years. It was so cool I made this thing we backpackers like to call a Pepsi-G stove. It is a stove made out of pop cans and we got to make our own. So cool. Any way now I am ready for the trails and how awesome is that. One day couch potato next trail packing mama. My next quest is to learn how to pee standing up. I don't want to have to squat out there with that big heavy pack on and it might be cold and my butt does not like the cold. My goal this year is to get out side a lot and so far I am not doing to bad I take the dog for a mile walk 4 or 5 times a week and I went hiking with him last week end at the Glen. That was hard cos there were too many smells and he did not know what to do he had to mark all of them. It was a struggle but we got through it and by the end he was ok with other things smelling like other things smell. This dog thing is crazy. Oscar is a 4 year old big black retriever lab mix that can not get enough love, and I have tried. He likes to eat trash cos he was a street dog. So now the kitchen doors stay closed at all times. But he is so cute and lovable that it is hard to be mad at him. He is the best.

were is my life

did you ever get to a point were self reflection was no longer something you did? well i just woke up from about 3 years of it. and I am very sad to tell you what it has left me little to nothing acually.

i have been wollering in self absorption and just trying to live life day to day until there is nothing for tomorrow. i don't think you can really call what i have been doing, as living, something more like sleeping waking and breathing. i never know how hard it was to stop breathing until i really tried to last night, i was astounded how you really cant stop. it made me so sad cos i just wanted it to be over but i am to big of a pansy to hurt myself really it was about the wife not finding me i could not make her find me died physically however she has already found me so emosionaly

most of this is that i have totally cut myself off from every one i have ever known before my wife except for 2 people! there are 2 people that i talk to once a month one lives 1 hour away and is very busy the other 6 or 7. all i do is wake up go to a very unfulfilled job were if i did not have to look out a window all day i could read two books a day. i am really not aloud on the web but no one is watching. i stay here for 9 hours and i go home eat watch 4 hours of TV and go to bed to do it all over again. i just want to cry but that is not in my job disruptions how do i connect again i cant remember how i am just like a feather stuck under a rock caked with mud who vaguely remembers how to fly but can do nothing about it now cos there is no one to clean it off. i wish some one would just crash into me just for the connection. were did our families and neighbors and community's go or did i just exclude myself. maybe some of both. will any one read this will they care will i be here when they do. suiced is easy if i weren't so scared. i don't think i want to die i just think if i tried then i might find the connections i want with out having to work at then.

People who just don't think

Ok the rant for today is people who just don't think. I told you that I have a learning disability well the biggest part of that is spelling. An average person has to see a word 300 times to know how to spell it. It takes twice as many times for me. And since I did not read when I was a kid I am trying to catch up now. I spend twice as much time spell checking my writings than I do actually writing it. And the inconsiderate people that I work with just don't get it. For instance I was trying to spell "heard" so I put "hurd" in Microsoft word and I got "herd" the synonyms said that it was a group or a flock so that could not be it so I tried "lission" (listen) and got "Lesion" and "lesson". That was no good so I went and asked, and the nice people I work with told me, and as I walked away this jerk says to me that I could have found it if I just looked on spell check. I just wanted to spit but I controlled myself and walked away. It is just funny how the smallest things can bring me back to those childhood insecurities.

Connection

Life is crazy. When I was a kid I was horribly un popular. I had a learning disability and was in all those special classes. I was also shy so that only made it worse and my little brother could out wit me in yelling fights that was worst of all so he got beaten up a lot. Then my life changed and I moved to a very new place my senior year of high school and my life changes. I was a hole different person I was ALIVE! I made so many friends and I was so happy. But some times the depression was terrible I would hide in closets and cry for hours. Looking back on it I wonder if I was bipolar. The highs were so high and the lows so low. But I was happier then I had ever been. I left there and kind of came back home to go to college, the highs followed me and so did the lows but I had friends so many people would just laugh because every were I went I knew someone. College did not work out so I joined the Navy. Now you have to understand that I had never been in any trouble in all my life. I was the good kid, the teachers pet all authority figures loved me. So I joined the Navy and all the highs followed me again, I got through boot camp ok but when I got to the ship thing started down hill I was so tired and partying all the time I just did not care and I wanted to be different then every one else. The Navy did not like that so they sent me to the brig for a month to sort things out. And did I ever I was broken I mellowed out and became calm and quite again and because I was drinking a lot I could let go through that.

Now here is the problem since I have moved back to Dayton for the second time in my life this time with out the highs, it is so hard to make friends. I work with people all my parents age or older. I don't drink that much any more and my wife hates bars. There is a time issue too there is never enough, and I am a home body. There are so many excesses.

So how do we connect, anonymously through the wide open spaces of the internet. We live in a society were we don't know our neighbor, were we go to church and leave as soon as it is over. Connections are not made and they are not kept.

That far away place I moved my senior year was to the middle east, life was so different. It was about making connections. You had to, before you could buy any thing from a store you had to sit and talk to the store keeper and have a soda with them and just talk, when you were done with your soda you talked about the price (still more talking) you agreed, made your purchase, said your good byes and when you came back they remembered you, every time.

So what is it about America or it might just be me that we or I can not connect?

nothing really

Well I am not quite sure what I want to say, it has been so long. But I feel I have to say some thing. Life is so incomprehensible and strange and foreign when you place your self out of it and read someone else's blog. Some one you know and it just makes you feel that your life is so "un", whatever you think the other persons is. You just want to cry for that person and hug them but miles of distance make it impossible. Why do the marvelous have to suffer? Is that what makes them marvelous? If so it is cruel. But maybe that is what this life is all about finding out how much you can struggle through with out going nuts-o. I had a horrible December our furnace went out, my uncle died, I crashed my car (the car was the only one hurt), and a good friend died very suddenly after 12 days in the hospital from blood cancer, and to top it all off I broke my TV.

That was pretty shitty but why would the TV be the end all? What a life. You see what I mean? It just does not make since. I need to get out and do more things but I really am a home body. But that does not make it right. So I got rid of cable. My way of sticking it to the man. The other day I actually got up and did something fun I went to the Urban Krag an amazing indoor climbing place. Finally I felt alive. I find it hard thou to get out there when there's no one to get out there with. I guess I need an out door friend some one to go biking and hiking and climbing and kayaking and what ever else. Life is far to short to sit and watch TV!!!!!!! Some times you seem so small thou and TV helps. But TV is the big tit of life we just suck on it in till we go to sleep. At least that is what my high school English teacher use to say and I don't disagree. Well lit me know if you live in Dayton and want to have a great time out side this spring.

War

Let me give you my opinion right off the bat: the war in Iraq is bullshit; we never should have gone, and I am very proud to say that I have thought this from the beginning. That said, I support the troops! I was in the Navy for 4 years, and I would be recalled if they needed people. I just cannot understand why it is soooooooo unpatriotic to hate the war. and how no one can understand that you can hate the war--with passion--and still support the troops. I think I am supporting them the most cos I want them to be safe at home.

here is the back ground I work in a place were almost everyone is a veteran. One of my coworkers came in and told everyone he could that he saw a guy that used to work there on the news, in his V.F.W. hat, protesting in downtown. every one thought he should be thrown out of the VFW and that, of course, he hated his country and was a worthless American. This disgusted me!!!! What does Free speech mean? Why is everyone that is liberal unamerican? I guess to be American means you have to lie all the time and be really corrupt and be heterosexual and want to destroy the environment and drink a big glass of oil for every meal, oh yeah and shoot up all the animals we eat with steroids and penicillin and carry M16's in our belts under our coats so we will feel safe.

that is my opinion and I am entitled to it. this does not make me UNAMERICAN!! I was born here; I served my country, and I will die here.

what is a friend

What a strange, but great week. the weekend was so long and so much fun with our roomy and huby. I will miss them so much. They will just be another of the long list of friends that have moved or I have moved from never to speak to again. I hope this is not true but I feel that knowing my history, that is going to be the case. It saddens be greatly, like a big hole in my heart just thinking about all the people that have left and been left. So many are gone. So few remain. Is it my fault or are we all to blame. the connections in my soul so taken for granted. I never forget I just get cot up in the moment of today. and that is the lie I tell my self because I think about these people these friends all the time that some how that lessons that distance. Do they feel it do they think the same about me. I don't know I have never asked. What do you think?

WOW

All senses come alive
I spin around
the world is a blur
I see her
She is radiant with all that I want
5 years and I am still amazed

she knows me so well
how can this be wrong
it is what I was born to do
all those crazy rightwingers don't know what they are talking about
they are just jealous

I just want to be like this forever
but life has to go on
money has to be made
I have to talk to other people

my stomach is still in knots
this is crazy
It is like when we first got together
those damn romance books
I should read more

I think we are safe in till noon
It will take them that long to ride
I love the quiet
but I need other people

She is the one I always dreamed of
how lucky is that
she is mine and I am hers
and we are everything to each other

WOW!!!!

the first time

when i was young i always loved to be out doors now i just get eaten by mosquitoes.
when i am on mars i love to walk around but now bush is coming to get me so i am going home.

i read a book this week that made me think of all the things in my life that i take for granted so i am trying to stop. i don't know if i will succeed but we shall see.

I am afraid to love
laugh hate
fall head over feet
into the water
but afterward I wished I would
have been
the only one
to her
but I was
to late
and she
implode
but I carry her in my pocket cos she's small
and I
love
her cos I
never could