were is my life

did you ever get to a point were self reflection was no longer something you did? well i just woke up from about 3 years of it. and I am very sad to tell you what it has left me little to nothing acually.

i have been wollering in self absorption and just trying to live life day to day until there is nothing for tomorrow. i don't think you can really call what i have been doing, as living, something more like sleeping waking and breathing. i never know how hard it was to stop breathing until i really tried to last night, i was astounded how you really cant stop. it made me so sad cos i just wanted it to be over but i am to big of a pansy to hurt myself really it was about the wife not finding me i could not make her find me died physically however she has already found me so emosionaly

most of this is that i have totally cut myself off from every one i have ever known before my wife except for 2 people! there are 2 people that i talk to once a month one lives 1 hour away and is very busy the other 6 or 7. all i do is wake up go to a very unfulfilled job were if i did not have to look out a window all day i could read two books a day. i am really not aloud on the web but no one is watching. i stay here for 9 hours and i go home eat watch 4 hours of TV and go to bed to do it all over again. i just want to cry but that is not in my job disruptions how do i connect again i cant remember how i am just like a feather stuck under a rock caked with mud who vaguely remembers how to fly but can do nothing about it now cos there is no one to clean it off. i wish some one would just crash into me just for the connection. were did our families and neighbors and community's go or did i just exclude myself. maybe some of both. will any one read this will they care will i be here when they do. suiced is easy if i weren't so scared. i don't think i want to die i just think if i tried then i might find the connections i want with out having to work at then.